me on accepting myself

Dear readers,

These past years, I have made some stupid decisions. I can still calculate the after effects of my stupidity and the hardest part is when I noticed my dumb decision might make me lose my best friend. He/she has a gentle soul, but for I do realize that I had made some damages, this pretty hurtful yet fact consciousness raise an awkward circumstance and a hesitant hello.

It has been one relentlessly trying years of tireless running back and forth between the acceptances and rejections, relief and anxiety, uncertainty and confidence, disillusionment and enthusiasm. However in the middle of those chaotic madness, I could still find even a few moments worth to be preserved, like this very tiny hopes of effortless kindness I could give just silently in hoping that he/she will be fine. For he/she is an exquisite being with beautiful soul, the unpleasantness faced would be a shield for her/his protection or a foothold for her/his increased greatness.

Then, how about the already damaged soul?

Often times, I feel like I am a mere lone and small creature, sitting here with this uncertain heart, trying to make the most of the monsoon, and feasting on the moment and relishing every bit of it all. There are so much to learn here, so much more to reflect. Here is also hoping that at least one of us changes in temperament by then. As a person, I’m not sure if I will ever be able to master this art of continuous madness.  My soul is tired and unable to bear this entire burden of complication I have decided myself. Ironically, and if one gently nudges aside the everyday existential angst of being both just passing the quarter life crisis and millennial, I have never been more unsure about my flourishing in a certain place. Or, should I try to create and find another place?

The damages have already happened, followed by the consequences that must be borne. The right time for this soul to retreat slowly and regularly finally comes. Deep down in my heart, I sometimes do wonder why it was easy to decide the wrong and hard to choose the right. One thing I never knew are that being an adult has also this silent meaning of welcoming the chance to act wrongly and choosing to be a so stupid being these entire years is too easy.

While I do understand that stupidity is only one of the many human constructs, I wish that me having this ability to angry and also in the same time laugh at my own shortcomings was a sign of me realizing my own limitations. I am such a broken soul. I honestly do not know from where I should repair the damages I have made. I did make mistakes and it was a shame to accept that I am one of those kind souls I hate the most. The flaws have naturally become a part of me already. The damages I have created are bad, they really break and hurt my heart.  However, I somehow want to praise that this confession is commendable. I am actually so sad for not aware this clearly from the very start. Now for my own sake, I am accepting any consequences I am going to face in the future. I hope I can live what I have set as a form of guilt to my soul.

For now I have no more rights to judge the wrongs, I also understand why sometimes stupidity sells more than hard gained values. Real education and real brain power are very hard to build, making people to avoid them by nature. I also discover why watching stupid opera is far more entertaining than all. I think most of us enjoying, laughing, and even praising those denseness for there is this part of us acknowledging our own senseless, that by watching those having bad decisions made us not feeling a bit left out alone. I wish those long logical reasons were not happened to us. I wish that no matter how bad decision we had made in the past, accepting we are in wrongs would be an easy choice for accepting is the best of all choices.  To me, sometimes we need to cause damages so we naturally are able to create a new pattern at the pure souls through repairmen, then we will be reminded of the hard slaps of the wrong judgement we have ever made.

Photo by Sean Kowal on Unsplash

Author: Lina Kariim

under my pen name, i write.

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