a just nobody

Dear readers,

I sometimes wonder if I die one day, will people notice that I am gone istantly? I can be quite sure that there will be only a small number of people who will realize my existence. I am working at a company where people are hardly ever heard. I keep my special people few. Even though I am trying my best to maintain my relationship with some colleagues at work, this doesn’t mean my presence is that impressive to stay long enough in their memory. I am living as a mediocre. I dont like crowd. I am also not comfortable with too much attention. That is being said, maybe one day if I die, I will die alone for none will even realize I am exist.

My besties sometimes jokingly ever said that I could be famous only if I let myself being known. However to be perfectly honest, I realize the reason is not because I never let anyone knew me further, but for I am hardly comfortable to show who I am to the just anyone. Damn for my social awkwardness.

yang dia sedang pikirkan

Dear readers,

Selama beberapa minggu belakangan, saya kembali ke twitter. Niat awal untuk kembali aktif di media sosial yang satu itu sebenarnya agar saya bisa pelan-pelan menjauhi instagram. Sebenarnya tidak seperti kebanyakan orang, bagi saya instagram bisa menjadi hiburan sekali ketimbang toxic. Hanya saja, karena sekarang sedang memikirkan tesis (baca: bukan menulis tesis), saya merasa Instagram sedang tidak baik untuk saya.

Saat kembali ke twitter, dasar saya orangnya sangat senang mencurahkan hati di dalam bentuk tulisan, kerjaan saya jadinya update Twitter melulu. Sedih sedikit, curhat. Kesal sedikit, misuh. Senang sedikit, diutarakan. Mengingat pengikut akun twitter saya yang tidak banyak, sebenernya membuat saya merasa lebih lega dan leluasa mengekspresikan isi hati. Tidak sering hal ini malah membuat saya jadi berandai-andai untuk menempatkan diri saya sebagai salah seorang tidak beruntung yang entah kenapa tetap memilih untuk mengikuti akun twitter saya.

Kalau sedang berandai-andai seperti itu, yang pertama kali terlintas di pikiran pengikut saya barangkali soal apa ya yang kira-kira sedang dipikirin seorang Lina, kok bisa-bisanya apdet status macam itu di twitter? atau mungkin bisa juga seperti waduuu, nih orang kenapa tetiba frontal amat ngomong begini, kan gue jadi kaypoh!

Hal yang sama terjadi juga ketika saya iseng membaca tulisan blog orang. Sering sekali saya berfikir dan menebak-nebak orang seperti apa ya yang ada di balik blog yang sedang saya baca. Saya juga merasa senang dan terhibur sekali saat membaca pengalaman dan isi pikiran berbagai macam orang. Semenjak kembali diingatkan perasaan menyenangkan itu, saya pun memutuskan kembali dengan kini menyewa domain setelah berulang-kali on-ff di dunia blog. Saya agak terkejut saat menyadari kenyataan kalau dunia blog masih ramai serta rupanya selama ini saya saja yang mengira era blog telah berakhir semenjak instagram dan twitter semakin ramai-ramai digandrungi para pengguna internet.

Photo by Dan Dimmock on Unsplash

 

 

on trust

We had a kind of talk last night.

She is as old as I am, yet She actually has been married for eight years, has a 5-year-old sweet beautiful daughter, and decide to end her marriage for her husband has affairs for I cant really remember how many the numbers exactly.

The house she is living is hers, her husband never let her working or taking any courses. He wants her to just living as how a house wife should be. She was initially scared of how life will fall upon her if she decides to leave him. No, what she really mean in order to build her emotional agility, she wants him to leave her. She is a very brave one for she is ready to face the uncertainty of the future. However in her case, I call it salvation.

Sometimes life is not always beautiful. It is not even always comfortable. It sometimes should hurt and even break your heart. No matter, experiencing various feelings mostly grows you. That’s okay. The journey will amd should change you in the end. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body so that you will take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.

I personally still believe good things happened to those who believe. Shape the mind with the positive goals and work for them. No matter how hard and how long you’ve tried, they will fall on you. At the end of the day, you will know when to stop anyway, for only the blind ones who never learn.

Photo by Eva Waardenburg on Unsplash

on responsibility

Alternating between worlds, between one that’s fully paved and one that’s full of gravel; not knowing quite yet which way to take. Only knowing at each moment that the view is wonderful and that my feet hurt and that my eyes are heavy. But all I know is to keep on walking anyway.

Weight is, after all, an established concept of pushing and pulling and refusing to stay too high, as hearts soar in less of a fight against gravity than wings do, and it is the paradoxical magnetism of home that always sends you the farthest. This is you, in the highest cadence of one beat after another: distant, glinting, ready to take on the world, and already one with the sky.

So, in which world are you living at?

Some of you have been hearing so much real story cases around, sometimes they are uplifting, sometimes the other more are even depressive. Perhaps it means universe trusts you, with secrets so tender and quirks much disarming, because others would cringe yet you would not. They believe in you because you always embrace the reality of people, all gradation and shades light creates when it dances upon someone.

However please remember: wherever they lead you to, I hope it’s a safe heaven. The locked little box may sit on the corner of your heart, just make sure it does not consume too much space.

me on accepting myself

Dear readers,

These past years, I have made some stupid decisions. I can still calculate the after effects of my stupidity and the hardest part is when I noticed my dumb decision might make me lose my best friend. He/she has a gentle soul, but for I do realize that I had made some damages, this pretty hurtful yet fact consciousness raise an awkward circumstance and a hesitant hello.

It has been one relentlessly trying years of tireless running back and forth between the acceptances and rejections, relief and anxiety, uncertainty and confidence, disillusionment and enthusiasm. However in the middle of those chaotic madness, I could still find even a few moments worth to be preserved, like this very tiny hopes of effortless kindness I could give just silently in hoping that he/she will be fine. For he/she is an exquisite being with beautiful soul, the unpleasantness faced would be a shield for her/his protection or a foothold for her/his increased greatness.

Then, how about the already damaged soul?

Often times, I feel like I am a mere lone and small creature, sitting here with this uncertain heart, trying to make the most of the monsoon, and feasting on the moment and relishing every bit of it all. There are so much to learn here, so much more to reflect. Here is also hoping that at least one of us changes in temperament by then. As a person, I’m not sure if I will ever be able to master this art of continuous madness.  My soul is tired and unable to bear this entire burden of complication I have decided myself. Ironically, and if one gently nudges aside the everyday existential angst of being both just passing the quarter life crisis and millennial, I have never been more unsure about my flourishing in a certain place. Or, should I try to create and find another place?

The damages have already happened, followed by the consequences that must be borne. The right time for this soul to retreat slowly and regularly finally comes. Deep down in my heart, I sometimes do wonder why it was easy to decide the wrong and hard to choose the right. One thing I never knew are that being an adult has also this silent meaning of welcoming the chance to act wrongly and choosing to be a so stupid being these entire years is too easy.

While I do understand that stupidity is only one of the many human constructs, I wish that me having this ability to angry and also in the same time laugh at my own shortcomings was a sign of me realizing my own limitations. I am such a broken soul. I honestly do not know from where I should repair the damages I have made. I did make mistakes and it was a shame to accept that I am one of those kind souls I hate the most. The flaws have naturally become a part of me already. The damages I have created are bad, they really break and hurt my heart.  However, I somehow want to praise that this confession is commendable. I am actually so sad for not aware this clearly from the very start. Now for my own sake, I am accepting any consequences I am going to face in the future. I hope I can live what I have set as a form of guilt to my soul.

For now I have no more rights to judge the wrongs, I also understand why sometimes stupidity sells more than hard gained values. Real education and real brain power are very hard to build, making people to avoid them by nature. I also discover why watching stupid opera is far more entertaining than all. I think most of us enjoying, laughing, and even praising those denseness for there is this part of us acknowledging our own senseless, that by watching those having bad decisions made us not feeling a bit left out alone. I wish those long logical reasons were not happened to us. I wish that no matter how bad decision we had made in the past, accepting we are in wrongs would be an easy choice for accepting is the best of all choices.  To me, sometimes we need to cause damages so we naturally are able to create a new pattern at the pure souls through repairmen, then we will be reminded of the hard slaps of the wrong judgement we have ever made.

Photo by Sean Kowal on Unsplash

find comfort in tough times

Dear readers,

I come again here for some writings. I am honestly in the middle of reading some researches supporting my thesis. It would not be long, but I want to share how I find my comfort in the middle of this hustle and bustles.

The type of comforts which suit me

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Ever since I was little, I so enjoyed watching Avatar the Legend of Aang (ATLA). Anyone in my age must remember how one of Indonesian national TV ever aired this series around 2008 – 2012. I remember that almost every day I could enjoy the series. So now, whenever I watched ATLA, it always reminds me of the life I was living around that time. I was a freshman, and my two younger brothers were both in SHS and in Elementary School. Streaming TV series was still unpopular so we needed to purchase (pirated) DVDs and watched the episodes which hasn’t been aired yet.

Another comfort entertainment I take delight beside ATLA is reading Hikaru no Go. I was at my Junior High School going for Senior High School. At those times, I diligently waited for the series and sometimes purchased the comic at store near my tutoring class. Sometimes, my friends caught me reading during my waiting for class.

Repeating the pleasant is very much comforting. Moreover, each repeat most of the times lift me with some new conscious of the past memories. Writing this piece reminds me of certain memories I am not so sure whether they are right or wrong for I am not quite remember some pretty specific details about them. I asked my mom just now about how I was getting to my tutoring class, about the people I was befriended with, and etc. At the end of the day, my Mom told me that I was either using Angkot to the nearest stop (which is a traditional market) or my dad driving and picking me up weekly. I am also reminded that I have actually already befriended with this friend who now has become an Author of some books.

Beside lifting some conscious, repeating the pleasant always teaches me something new. In ATLA, there is this specific episode when Prince Zuko faced his moment of truth, the moment of him choosing the right or the wrong paths. Later as a being I am fully aware that I will constantly face those many moments which drains both my energy and my mind. Interestingly, I have learned those particular moments from ATLA. Every time I summon up how Zuko learned that his choices were wrong, I grasp the point showing me there was also this room for anyone to improve. Through Hikaru no Go, I gained an understanding about loss and friendship. It is when Sai, one of the main characters from the series, suddenly disappeared, making Hikaru discovered how meaningful Sai’s presence for him.

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Bubur ayam Cirebon, pardon for the awful resolution

It is not everyday, but sometimes I do also find comfort in cooking. I cooked my favorite meals usually at least two portions then enjoyed them for myself. Never I told anyone but honestly I enjoy cooking. Only because my tastes strangely different from others, It is always hard to reveal this. How if someone then asked me to cook but find my foods aren’t delicious to their taste. Despite feeling anxious, I’d better stay low and tell I could not cook well.

Shopping never becomes my comfort. In the pasts, I do remember that I think by shopping I could find comfort. I bought many books even tho I wasnt sure when exactly I would read them. Purchasing too much clothes and bags also will not last long. I get easily bored with the stuff I have purchased. Since then I realized that I prefer to spend my money on experiences like favorite foods and travelling.

So now, how do you usually find your comfort? I wish you could still enjoy the days even tho sometimes they are not even gentle. Anyway in life, why do we need to feel uncomfortable?

This time, I am raising an issue about emotional courage. I will mostly have an urge to find comfort whenever I am facing this one of the many uncomfortable moments. I, like most people, fear the feeling of failure, shame, embarrassment, frustrated, and wistful. Not all people are ready and able to feel all those emotion at once. The more we face those kinds of emotions, the more we will be ready of anything, or rather, are we being created to always not ready? While the act of learning is intentionally intellectual, methodological and behavioral, the experience of learning primarily should also be emotional, and they are all uncomfortable. Like what Peter Bregman ever said, learning is indeed takes time and comfort takes experiences.

In my experience, sometimes people seek for confidence by showing off their achievements. It makes people naturally think that arrogance needed to nurture the confidence. However to me, confidence can only be achieved by someone who can stay grounded. They who nurture their confidence through arrogance will never stand for any negative feedback and criticism. Confident person is still allowed to admit that she/he is “not know” about something. She/he should be an open, curious, and steady being,

Why shopping is never for me and why I stay on being a minimalist

My life is getting minimalist day by day without me really realizing it. I purchased mostly black and white wardrobes, better shoes and bag so they will long last. Every time i want to purchase something, what comes first in my mind is if i will really need them, or not. I do not have new wardrobes for Eid in these past 3 years partly for I don’t really have time to buy new ones or too lazy to find which styles i really really want! My friends never give me goods as presents for I asked them to only give me consumable gifts such flowers, foods, my favorite make ups, unless the goods will be used by me in daily basis.

Writing this I should say maybe currently I am self-proclaiming that I am a minimalist. However my choice to be a minimalist is not based on something noble. I am basically not good at shopping and I am also very much lazy in the same time. So instead of spending my money on somethings not even useful, better only purchase something which will help me. Both tidying and cleaning up are not my best ability. Also, sometimes I do wondering that having minimal stuff would make tidying and cleaning up faster and simpler.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash