on being committed in relationship

I know this is going to be an interesting talk, mainly for it is started by a single woman who extremely tend to be pushed for marrying young.  I am turning 27 this year, hello! I should post this some months ago right during my birthday, however at the time I was just lazy to post anything. After all, I had no special celebration despite some friends who kindly surprised me with the cakes and gifts. Unfortunately at my age, when random people learned that I have not been married yet, the first thing they will tell me is that I should start searching or I am going to get older and no guy will be interested in me …. Well, I am writing this post eventually not for bragging or simply telling anyone that I am okay even tho I am unmarried since I have full time job and prospective career. No. By this writing, I am just curious about the fact found in reality about marriage. Am I already old enough to be married? If I could meet such man who can be partnered with me and together could support each other on being better human beings, why not? I am open to such possibility!

on with whom

I actually met some men during my school break. Let me calculate first, I think they are all about five in total. Having introduced to five prospective single men in two months, okay, I think the numbers are not bad. Oh, and of all the five, exclude the men I’ve met fom dating apps. I realized from anyone point of views, I must be like a player. But anyway, all the fuss about turning from single to double makes me feel uneasy, not only because the excessive curiosity to they who’ve asked but also I feel this burden to explain the answers for I realized the answers would not be short. Whenever I am encountered with such questions, I will just answer them with brief practical words which make most of them stop pressing me.

Today, I guess, would be the day to explain one or two thoughts why I am still unmarried. Maybe men who accidentally reading this post will be frowned a little. Bear with me, this might give you a few insights on women at their late twenties. The first question usually asked is usually about why they are still being a single. If you are asking me, my answer is because I am not ready for being committed to relationship at the moment. Following question may be a little bit harder to answer, “if I am not ready, then when?” Surely I will be ready once I meet a person who I am ready to be living with for my entire life. A marriage is sacred and I believe it is not a toy to play with.

Now we are finally at the centre of discussion on how to meet that specific person when there are eventually so many singles out there. Why is it that impossible to meet only one of billion people? I personally think that marriage needs to be thought very carefully. Some people believe that married would be a finish line, even a life-time goal. It is a pity that most of us believe on those misconception about marriage. Marrying your significant other for the rest of your life is also a part of growing processes. It is going to be a big disaster if they who are dating could not grasp the essence of relationships. They may spend a lot of time together without digging and finding out what information they are actually looking for. Dating or marrying someone is not only a series of fun time and making memories. These days, dating are not the only way to get to know the potential partner. I believe there are a lot more efficient process through simply having straight forward-mature talks!

The first step to get married is to meet the potential partner. Before finding one, it is important to define who you are looking for. I realize a person can not have all the qualities, but once you are defining your qualities, just never ignore that you must know yourself first of all the things. It is rather impossible to think if the love story of you and your S.O would be like a fairy tale. Your circles sometimes also define who you are going to be with.

The hard and quite confusing step is when you need to choose the person. It is confusing for I am a man and I tend to expect many. I once think hard on the types of man I am ready to be living with. As the increased experiences, my criteria are naturally shrinking in to a very small number. It is very personal and its secrecy depends on who I am talking with. To me, keeping criteria is necessary. To those who have partner already, never ever think that those things can only be applied to singles. However I never think it is going to be easy as well.  I wish anyone of you who read this do not become someone who rush marrying just anyone for the time is keep tickling and you are getting older day by day.

the life-time decision

Another thing is the decision to be married itself.  One day I read about decision making process and realize feelings can in fact be useful, especially in highly uncertain circumstances where further data gathering and analysis won’t sway you one way or another.  That is also very much relate-able to point out an example on decision making process about marry or not to marry LOL. When our social circle and friends are mostly married and having a baby already, we tend to have the urge to marry as well. We will tend to think that marriage is a good idea because everyone is having it. It is a completely natural response, but it is dangerous if the person do not really evaluate about what he/she really wants as well.

Before deciding on whether to trust the gut feel, it is always important to ask ourselves what do we want and how we want it. Don’t let ourselves trapped in the ‘Neighbor’s grass is greener-syndrome’. It is okay to have different life choice. Once we’ve decided to rely on our intuition to make a high-impact decision, don’t try to explain it or justify to others how we arrived at it. If we apply logic and data to gut feel, the more likely we are to put off a decision or make a worse one.

So, those are all what I thought. Maybe you will find them useful, or to the extreme opposite, you find me boring for thinking too much. Anything is fine. Whatever decision you choose, I hope it is good for your own self first. Of course the opinion I am writing on this post may not be applicable to some. And most of the times, standard theories about relationships are just so different and very much surprising. Just make a mental note that anything could be happened even though logically amd mentally you are prepared.

Photo by Gianpaolo La Paglia on Unsplash

between dreams and reality

threading a journey called home, fragment by fragment. Missing the flavour of homes, of the warm greatings, of the tearjerker goodbyes.

I see your soul up there, gliding on the beautiful sky. smiling at me, your calculator smiles.

when memories trickle you down to blurred silhouette, and yet, the place refuses you to go.

I think sometimes the world needs more letters, heartfelt and handwritten. Making the most elusive English summer.

Photo by Andreas Wagner on Unsplash

a just nobody

Dear readers,

I sometimes wonder if I die one day, will people notice that I am gone istantly? I can be quite sure that there will be only a small number of people who will realize my existence. I am working at a company where people are hardly ever heard. I keep my special people few. Even though I am trying my best to maintain my relationship with some colleagues at work, this doesn’t mean my presence is that impressive to stay long enough in their memory. I am living as a mediocre. I dont like crowd. I am also not comfortable with too much attention. That is being said, maybe one day if I die, I will die alone for none will even realize I am exist.

My besties sometimes jokingly ever said that I could be famous only if I let myself being known. However to be perfectly honest, I realize the reason is not because I never let anyone knew me further, but for I am hardly comfortable to show who I am to the just anyone. Damn for my social awkwardness.

seasonal feelings

The clocks have gone back an hour and once again time has been meddled with by a man. We have tricked ourselves into believing that there is an extra magical hour of daylight now. An extra hour of life buzzing and whirring till night falls abruptly, a little too suddenly.

Winter is upon us, officially and well, and whenever it is so, I find myself yearning for little pockets of different geographies. The claustrophobia of the heated indoors and being swathed in layers when outdoors gives birth to a strange restlessness in me. I long for places faraway and distant, both that I’ve been to and have had dreamy visions of. And then, I long for some that I once left behind with a heavy heart and a tired mind.

Spring slowly reveals its presence, welcoming the cold goodbye until the next year to come. Breathing dreams like air for I can  not really wait for the quiet beauty of a beautiful chaos of the blooming flowers. Some half-baked dreams and a pile of regrets wait for yet another times.

I think I have never been meeting the exact summer. Everyday is a summer to me. However once more people are coming to enjoy the seasons, most of the time that is when I decide to be a hermit, cocooned in the languid warmth of the coffee while reading an old-favorite book while simply watch the world go by. However sometimes, flying away is the only way to stay back in people’s heart. So we will miss the cheerful summer.

Now I am then meeting the Autumn. When asked recently if this is how I’ll always be — click umpteen pictures of the same neighborhood everyday, quake with a childlike excitement on spotting the first autumn leaf, google laborious descriptions of unknown flora just to know their name, doodle my favorite views from the hotel window after a holiday — my answer is, yes.

This is how I am and these are the things that make me who I am. I am a creature of moments and the little things wrapped in them. I draw my life sap from celebrating the neglected magic of the humdrum everyday. I have always lived by hoarding these tiny moments and making memories in the process. And I don’t know how to do it any other way.

a material of the past

as someone who once enjoyed hoarding certain materials, I always face this feeling of loss whenever I decide to dispose my belongings. Maybe they are only an old greeting cards sent by one of the childhood friends now I am not sure where she is living at, a piece of paper I cut out from a newspaper for it tells me about an artist I so adore, or even an old piece of cheap rabbit figure from a relative who’s now already gone, however does it mean those have no right to be remembered?

To me, everyone should be empowered keepers of our own history. Each exhibit will not only unravels something unique about a particular person’s history, but also allow us to look at the habits and the traditions we share as people of subcontinent. Discovering personal stories which date back to the partition and still resonating with us sometimes is like a magic. In any case, thinking that the decision I have made today may affect at least to the people so close to me, or the children, the grand children and the great-great ones, I feel magnificent.

Living in a digital era, creating such kind treasury becomes much easier. A digital repository of material and culture of the family through storytelling of antiquity objects, heirlooms and other collectibles could reveal not just a history of the people they once belong to, but also unfolds their generational narratives of customs, tradition, and societies.

Through this post, I was thinking to currate some old antiques, collections, photos or else which were handed down from generation to generation in my family. I still could not grasp how old they are, and the stories behind each are still scattered from ones relative to others. As I do realize my family are seemingly not familiar with well-archived culture, it maybe starts with something seemingly trivial yet keep deep memories of ones life.

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

yang dia sedang pikirkan

Dear readers,

Selama beberapa minggu belakangan, saya kembali ke twitter. Niat awal untuk kembali aktif di media sosial yang satu itu sebenarnya agar saya bisa pelan-pelan menjauhi instagram. Sebenarnya tidak seperti kebanyakan orang, bagi saya instagram bisa menjadi hiburan sekali ketimbang toxic. Hanya saja, karena sekarang sedang memikirkan tesis (baca: bukan menulis tesis), saya merasa Instagram sedang tidak baik untuk saya.

Saat kembali ke twitter, dasar saya orangnya sangat senang mencurahkan hati di dalam bentuk tulisan, kerjaan saya jadinya update Twitter melulu. Sedih sedikit, curhat. Kesal sedikit, misuh. Senang sedikit, diutarakan. Mengingat pengikut akun twitter saya yang tidak banyak, sebenernya membuat saya merasa lebih lega dan leluasa mengekspresikan isi hati. Tidak sering hal ini malah membuat saya jadi berandai-andai untuk menempatkan diri saya sebagai salah seorang tidak beruntung yang entah kenapa tetap memilih untuk mengikuti akun twitter saya.

Kalau sedang berandai-andai seperti itu, yang pertama kali terlintas di pikiran pengikut saya barangkali soal apa ya yang kira-kira sedang dipikirin seorang Lina, kok bisa-bisanya apdet status macam itu di twitter? atau mungkin bisa juga seperti waduuu, nih orang kenapa tetiba frontal amat ngomong begini, kan gue jadi kaypoh!

Hal yang sama terjadi juga ketika saya iseng membaca tulisan blog orang. Sering sekali saya berfikir dan menebak-nebak orang seperti apa ya yang ada di balik blog yang sedang saya baca. Saya juga merasa senang dan terhibur sekali saat membaca pengalaman dan isi pikiran berbagai macam orang. Semenjak kembali diingatkan perasaan menyenangkan itu, saya pun memutuskan kembali dengan kini menyewa domain setelah berulang-kali on-ff di dunia blog. Saya agak terkejut saat menyadari kenyataan kalau dunia blog masih ramai serta rupanya selama ini saya saja yang mengira era blog telah berakhir semenjak instagram dan twitter semakin ramai-ramai digandrungi para pengguna internet.

Photo by Dan Dimmock on Unsplash