between dreams and reality

threading a journey called home, fragment by fragment. Missing the flavour of homes, of the warm greatings, of the tearjerker goodbyes.

I see your soul up there, gliding on the beautiful sky. smiling at me, your calculator smiles.

when memories trickle you down to blurred silhouette, and yet, the place refuses you to go.

I think sometimes the world needs more letters, heartfelt and handwritten. Making the most elusive English summer.

Photo by Andreas Wagner on Unsplash

a just nobody

Dear readers,

I sometimes wonder if I die one day, will people notice that I am gone istantly? I can be quite sure that there will be only a small number of people who will realize my existence. I am working at a company where people are hardly ever heard. I keep my special people few. Even though I am trying my best to maintain my relationship with some colleagues at work, this doesn’t mean my presence is that impressive to stay long enough in their memory. I am living as a mediocre. I dont like crowd. I am also not comfortable with too much attention. That is being said, maybe one day if I die, I will die alone for none will even realize I am exist.

My besties sometimes jokingly ever said that I could be famous only if I let myself being known. However to be perfectly honest, I realize the reason is not because I never let anyone knew me further, but for I am hardly comfortable to show who I am to the just anyone. Damn for my social awkwardness.

seasonal feelings

The clocks have gone back an hour and once again time has been meddled with by a man. We have tricked ourselves into believing that there is an extra magical hour of daylight now. An extra hour of life buzzing and whirring till night falls abruptly, a little too suddenly.

Winter is upon us, officially and well, and whenever it is so, I find myself yearning for little pockets of different geographies. The claustrophobia of the heated indoors and being swathed in layers when outdoors gives birth to a strange restlessness in me. I long for places faraway and distant, both that I’ve been to and have had dreamy visions of. And then, I long for some that I once left behind with a heavy heart and a tired mind.

Spring slowly reveals its presence, welcoming the cold goodbye until the next year to come. Breathing dreams like air for I can  not really wait for the quiet beauty of a beautiful chaos of the blooming flowers. Some half-baked dreams and a pile of regrets wait for yet another times.

I think I have never been meeting the exact summer. Everyday is a summer to me. However once more people are coming to enjoy the seasons, most of the time that is when I decide to be a hermit, cocooned in the languid warmth of the coffee while reading an old-favorite book while simply watch the world go by. However sometimes, flying away is the only way to stay back in people’s heart. So we will miss the cheerful summer.

Now I am then meeting the Autumn. When asked recently if this is how I’ll always be — click umpteen pictures of the same neighborhood everyday, quake with a childlike excitement on spotting the first autumn leaf, google laborious descriptions of unknown flora just to know their name, doodle my favorite views from the hotel window after a holiday — my answer is, yes.

This is how I am and these are the things that make me who I am. I am a creature of moments and the little things wrapped in them. I draw my life sap from celebrating the neglected magic of the humdrum everyday. I have always lived by hoarding these tiny moments and making memories in the process. And I don’t know how to do it any other way.

a material of the past

as someone who once enjoyed hoarding certain materials, I always face this feeling of loss whenever I decide to dispose my belongings. Maybe they are only an old greeting cards sent by one of the childhood friends now I am not sure where she is living at, a piece of paper I cut out from a newspaper for it tells me about an artist I so adore, or even an old piece of cheap rabbit figure from a relative who’s now already gone, however does it mean those have no right to be remembered?

To me, everyone should be empowered keepers of our own history. Each exhibit will not only unravels something unique about a particular person’s history, but also allow us to look at the habits and the traditions we share as people of subcontinent. Discovering personal stories which date back to the partition and still resonating with us sometimes is like a magic. In any case, thinking that the decision I have made today may affect at least to the people so close to me, or the children, the grand children and the great-great ones, I feel magnificent.

Living in a digital era, creating such kind treasury becomes much easier. A digital repository of material and culture of the family through storytelling of antiquity objects, heirlooms and other collectibles could reveal not just a history of the people they once belong to, but also unfolds their generational narratives of customs, tradition, and societies.

Through this post, I was thinking to currate some old antiques, collections, photos or else which were handed down from generation to generation in my family. I still could not grasp how old they are, and the stories behind each are still scattered from ones relative to others. As I do realize my family are seemingly not familiar with well-archived culture, it maybe starts with something seemingly trivial yet keep deep memories of ones life.

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

yang dia sedang pikirkan

Dear readers,

Selama beberapa minggu belakangan, saya kembali ke twitter. Niat awal untuk kembali aktif di media sosial yang satu itu sebenarnya agar saya bisa pelan-pelan menjauhi instagram. Sebenarnya tidak seperti kebanyakan orang, bagi saya instagram bisa menjadi hiburan sekali ketimbang toxic. Hanya saja, karena sekarang sedang memikirkan tesis (baca: bukan menulis tesis), saya merasa Instagram sedang tidak baik untuk saya.

Saat kembali ke twitter, dasar saya orangnya sangat senang mencurahkan hati di dalam bentuk tulisan, kerjaan saya jadinya update Twitter melulu. Sedih sedikit, curhat. Kesal sedikit, misuh. Senang sedikit, diutarakan. Mengingat pengikut akun twitter saya yang tidak banyak, sebenernya membuat saya merasa lebih lega dan leluasa mengekspresikan isi hati. Tidak sering hal ini malah membuat saya jadi berandai-andai untuk menempatkan diri saya sebagai salah seorang tidak beruntung yang entah kenapa tetap memilih untuk mengikuti akun twitter saya.

Kalau sedang berandai-andai seperti itu, yang pertama kali terlintas di pikiran pengikut saya barangkali soal apa ya yang kira-kira sedang dipikirin seorang Lina, kok bisa-bisanya apdet status macam itu di twitter? atau mungkin bisa juga seperti waduuu, nih orang kenapa tetiba frontal amat ngomong begini, kan gue jadi kaypoh!

Hal yang sama terjadi juga ketika saya iseng membaca tulisan blog orang. Sering sekali saya berfikir dan menebak-nebak orang seperti apa ya yang ada di balik blog yang sedang saya baca. Saya juga merasa senang dan terhibur sekali saat membaca pengalaman dan isi pikiran berbagai macam orang. Semenjak kembali diingatkan perasaan menyenangkan itu, saya pun memutuskan kembali dengan kini menyewa domain setelah berulang-kali on-ff di dunia blog. Saya agak terkejut saat menyadari kenyataan kalau dunia blog masih ramai serta rupanya selama ini saya saja yang mengira era blog telah berakhir semenjak instagram dan twitter semakin ramai-ramai digandrungi para pengguna internet.

Photo by Dan Dimmock on Unsplash

 

 

istirahat

dear readers,

Selama saya bekerja, saya dilatih untuk selalu siap bekerja dengan tidak hanya cepat, tetapi juga tepat. Saya tidak tahu bagaimana orang lain bekerja, tapi pengalaman saya meminta saya untuk selalu seperti itu. Sampai rasanya saya suka berpikir, boleh tidak si kalo saya setidanya beristirahat meskipun hanya sejenak? Apakah yang sejenak itu sebegitu menghawatirkannya hingga dapat merugikan sampai-sampai selama ini saya tidak boleh sedikit saja bernafas dengan sedikit lebih tenang tanpa diburu-buru oleh sesuatu?

Balik lagi, saya sering berpikir mengenai apa si sebenarnya yang dibutuhkan manusia untuk bertahan hidup? Kalau ada yang bilang kisah Romeo dan Juliet adalah sebuah tragedi, bagaimana kalau berpikir bahwa sebenernya bertahan untuk hiduplah yang adalah sebuah tragedi. Yang saya lihat, banyak orang yang seiring dengan bertambahnya usia dan menyadari bagaimana dunia ini bekerja, justru malah kehilangan dirinya, menjual dirinya, atau bahkan yang lebih menyedihkan, rela merusak dirinya untuk memperoleh harapan yang digantungkan pada dunia.

Dari sana barangkali yang dibutuhkan kita ialah sejenak beristirahat. Beristirahat di mana? Tugas kita mungkin memang mencarinya agar kita bisa selamat dari segala macam hal yang berpotensi merusak atau merugikan diri kita di masa depan. Kita perlu beristirahat dari segala kelelahan maupun harapan yang dijadikan alasan untuk tetap bertahan menghadapi kehidupan ini.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash